


When One Door Closes

by jstabe



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-08
Updated: 2009-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-19 07:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jstabe/pseuds/jstabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Why? What exactly are you looking for?”</i></p><p><i>Brian’s quiet for a long time before he answers. “An ending.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	When One Door Closes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LiveJournal's 2008 Make the Yuletide Gay](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=LiveJournal%27s+2008+Make+the+Yuletide+Gay).



"We need to figure out what we're doing for promotion," AJ says, tone understandably brisk as it is at least the fifth time that he’s said it.

“We need a title,” Nick argues yet again. “How can we promote something that doesn’t even have a name?”

Howie glances from one to the other, watchful. The argument is still civil, but there’s an underlying edge to it that tells Howie that could change very quickly. They’re all tired, endless days of recording behind them with promotion and a world tour laid out before them. And while this might be their best album to date (at least as far as their getting along goes), they’re still brothers. They know how to get on each others nerves, what buttons to push to get a desired reaction, and with all of them exhausted it’s only a matter of time before a real fight ensues. Howie glances toward Brian, wondering which of them will be playing mediator, a job they share now that Kevin’s gone. He frowns when he realizes that Brian isn’t paying any attention at all. He has a calendar open on his lap and a sheet of paper beside him. As Howie watches, Brian looks from the paper to the calendar and then makes a note in either green or blue ink.

“What are you doing?” Howie asks.

“Coming up with a promotion schedule. Management gave me a list of places they think we need to hit.”

AJ pauses in his argument with Nick to flash a grin at Brian. He looks back at Nick, triumphant. Nick scowls back and his obvious irritation has AJ’s grin sliding to smug. Without looking up, Brian pats the couch cushion next to him.

“Nick, come and look at this.”

Shooting a final glare at AJ, Nick goes to flop down on the couch next to Brian. He takes the calendar Brian hands him and checks it over, brow wrinkling in confusion. He glances at his friend.

“Unless someone figures out how to clone us between now and the start of promotion, we can’t be in all these places.”

Brian taps the page. “That’s why the dates have different colored ink. Blue is me and AJ, green is you and Howie.”

“Split us up?” Nick glances at the calendar again, thinking. Finally, he nods. “That could actually be kinda fun.”

Brian smiles. “That’s what I thought. It’s different. Obviously we’ll need to have all four of us at some of the interviews. Fans are going to want see all of us together, especially with all the publicity about Kevin leaving. But this will give us a chance to go more places, see more people than if all four of us stay together.”

“I like it,” Nick says. “But why me and Howie?” He shoots a glance at Howie. “No offense, D. I’m just curious.”

“None taken,” Howie says. “I’m a little curious myself.”

Brian shrugs. “It makes the most sense. You and Nick still like to go out and AJ and I like to stay in.”

Nick laughs. “So you put the old, boring people together? You’re right; it does make sense.”

AJ rolls his eyes. “I’m not old and I sure as hell ain’t boring.”

“Whatever, man,” Nick says. “You’re closer to thirty than I am.”

AJ can’t argue that point. “Fine. We should get back work.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “I’m gonna grab something to drink. Nick, you want to come with? I’ll buy you a soda.”

It’s an apology for the near-fight and Nick smiles. He stands up and stretches. “Sure, but I don’t want a cheap ass can. I want a bottle. Maybe two.”

“Two? What? You think I’m made of money?” AJ grouses as he leads the way out of the room, Nick following close behind.

After they leave, Brian goes back to his schedule, aware of Howie’s gaze on him. Finally, he sighs and without looking up says, “What?”

“I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on.”

Brian makes a note on the calendar, frowns and scratches it out, makes a new one. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Ordinarily I’d believe you, but… Brian, have you thought about this? You and AJ alone on a bus for weeks. It’s…” He stops, a frown marring his handsome features. “Brian, you and AJ aren’t…”

He stops as Brian’s head snaps up, blue eyes wide and shocked. “What? No.” He holds up his left hand, silver band catching the light. “Married, remember? AJ and I haven’t… that’s been over for years.”

Howie sits down next to Brian. “Over? I don’t know about that. You may have stopped sharing a bed, but…”

He trails off, aware of Brian tensing beside him. He knows he’s close to overstepping by bringing up something that none of them have ever actually talked about. He reaches out, places a conciliatory hand on Brian’s thigh.

“Look, I’m just saying that this might not be the best idea. You and AJ have always had something. It could be… tempting.”

Brian laughs. “AJ is tempting, yes, but I have self-control.” His smile fades and his tone turns serious. “I love Leighanne. Nothing’s going to change that. But AJ and I… we need this.”

“Why? What exactly are you looking for?”

Brian’s quiet for a long time before he answers. “An ending.”

* * *

“Home sweet bus!”

AJ bounds onto the bus, smile wide and happy. His eyes are bright, full of excitement, and his obvious joy at being there makes Brian smile.

“You’re in a good mood,” he observes.

“Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve got gorgeous weather, we’re heading to Indianapolis, and Howie’s stuck with Nick’s smelly socks for the next six weeks or so while I?” He grins. “I’m stuck with you.”

Brian laughs. “Nice to know that I rank above Nick’s nasty feet.”

AJ grins and heads to the back of the bus. He tosses his bags onto the empty bunk, aware of Brian standing behind him. They’ve come a long way from the bus the five of them shared back in the early days, but it’s still just a bus and space is tight. He can feel Brian’s warmth, smell the soft scent of his cologne, and for a moment he just stands there, remembering. Then he shakes his head slightly as if to clear it and turns to Brian.

“So, how long has it been since we’ve been to a state fair?”

Brian looks at AJ thoughtfully. He can feel the pull between them the same way AJ can, but if AJ wants to ignore it for now, Brian isn’t going to push. Instead, he smiles and shrugs. “Years and years. I think it’ll be fun, though.”

“Should be. It’s a fair. What’s not to like?” He grins. “You gonna win me a stuffed teddy bear or something?”

Brian laughs. “I was thinking more about one of those little mirrors of Nsync.”

AJ snorts. “Awesome.”

* * *

Bus life comes back to them so quickly that it’s almost scary. Brian’s a little messier when he’s not with Leighanne, but AJ’s not a neat freak so it works for them. They share space easily, bicker good-naturedly about chores and cooking. It’s easy, easier than Brian had thought it might be. Over the years their relationship has gone from friends to lovers and back again and it’s always seemed like a smooth transition. Their friendship had been important enough to the both of them that they’d pushed aside hurt feelings and broken hearts and made a conscious effort to be as close as they had been before sex had entered the picture. But for Brian, there hadn’t been a clear cut ending, no closure. Things were unfinished between them. Right or wrong, Brian needs that ending and in his heart he believes that AJ does too.

They’re spending hours on the bus, doing nothing except traveling from one interview to the next and the amount of down time gives them plenty of time to hang out, write together, and just be in each other’s company. Brian holds out as long as he can, but somewhere between Rhode Island and Pennsylvania he gives in and crawls into bed with AJ. It’s a tight fit, but he doesn’t care. He curls up behind AJ, his knees fitting comfortably into the spot behind AJ’s. The small space smells of AJ’s shampoo and the soft, subtle scent that Brian’s always thought of as just AJ. He leans forward, nuzzles into the back of AJ’s neck. AJ makes a soft sound and shifts closer.

“Bri?”

His voice is rough with sleep and Brian ignores his body’s instinctive reaction to the sound. He slides an arm around AJ’s waist and kisses the back of AJ’s neck.

“Shh. Go back to sleep.”

AJ yawns and nods, moving so that he can rest his arm on top of Brian’s and lace their fingers. He’s asleep again without ever really waking up and Brian smiles. That’s familiar and he closes his eyes, memorizes the feel of AJ’s body tucked up against his.

* * *

They don’t talk about it, but after that sharing a bed becomes routine. They don’t go to bed together, but sometime in the middle of the night, one of them will get up and go to the other’s bunk. Sometimes they’re too exhausted to do anything except sleep, but sometimes they talk, reminisce about the old days. More often than not, though, they just lie quietly together, both of them lost in thinking about the way things used to be.

Spending the nights together like that creates an intimacy that’s been missing between them for years. Brian starts to feel like they’re getting back to being as close as they were when the group first started. Sometimes he wonders if maybe Howie wasn’t right to worry, but mostly he’s just happy that he and AJ are close again. They can laugh and joke, tease each other. There’s nothing that he can’t share with AJ and it’s the same for AJ.

In DC, they spend an interesting afternoon with some contest winners after a radio interview and that night Brian slips into AJ’s bunk. AJ’s still awake and he snuggles up close to Brian, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the bus windows. In the quiet, Brian’s voice is clearly amused.

“Socks, AJ? Seriously? The things you tell people…”

AJ chuckles. “She wanted to know! Besides, I figure there isn’t anything I can tell them that they haven’t already imagined me doing. At least that one was a surprise.”

Brian laughs, slips his hand under AJ’s shirt to rest on AJ’s stomach. He places a kiss behind AJ’s ear as he runs his foot down AJ’s calf until he can touch AJ’s bare foot.

“How come I don’t remember any socks?”

AJ doesn’t answer, just turns his head and gently kisses the corner of Brian’s mouth. He turns around so that they’re lying face to face. It’s too dark for him to see Brian’s expression.

“What you said today, about none of us being there for you when you had surgery… I’m sorry. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” Brian answers simply.

AJ nods. “Okay.”

He moves even closer, until they’re sharing breath, and then slides his hand under Brian’s shirt. He moves his hand up until he can feel the raised skin of Brian’s scar and then rests his palm there, feels the reassuring beat of Brian’s heart against his palm.

* * *

They’re getting ready for yet another breakfast interview, AJ wandering the bus half-dressed because he can’t decide what shirt he wants to wear. To save time and because he’s bored, Brian is sitting on AJ’s bunk and going through the case that holds AJ’s jewelry. He’s already picked out a few pieces he likes, but it’s harder than it looks given AJ’s propensity for skulls. He reaches into the case for a leather wrist cuff and his fingers brush against something that doesn’t feel like jewelry. Curious, he lifts it out, thumb tracing the lettering on the AA chip. He studies it carefully before speaking.  
“Was it my fault?”

Confused, AJ looks up from buttoning his shirt, sees what Brian’s holding in his hand. He looks back down, shrugs nonchalantly, but Brian can see the tenseness in his shoulders.

“Honestly? Some. Not all of it. I…”

AJ sighs and then joins Brian on the bed. He sits cross-legged, mirroring Brian’s pose.

“I always knew we weren’t going to be forever. When we started, it wasn’t supposed to be anything. Not for either of us. But things changed and I… but I knew, deep inside that someday it was going to end. When you met Leighanne, it was obvious that she was the one. I kept waiting for things between us to be over, but they never were and then…”

He looks into Brian’s eyes.

“It was stupid, but I started hoping that maybe I was wrong. I let myself think that we were going to have that happy ending. I set myself up for a fall and when you and Leighanne got engaged, I lost it.”

He swallows hard, ducks his head again.

“You weren’t all of it, not by a long shot, but losing you… Maybe fault isn’t the right word. You didn’t make me drink, tried to make me stop. I chose to do it. But you want honesty and there it is. Losing you hurt in ways that I hadn’t ever hurt before and I needed to find a way to kill the pain. Had to find a way to make it so that I could still work with you, still see you every day, and not have it rip me apart inside.”

Brian reaches out and laces his fingers with AJ’s. His eyes shine with unshed tears and AJ shakes his head.

“Don’t, okay? You didn’t hurt me deliberately; I know that. And I may not have realized it at the time, but you were hurting too. Still, I wouldn’t change it. Any of it. I wouldn’t give back that time with you for anything.”

Brian sucks in a painful breath, lets it out slowly. He squeezes AJ’s hand and leans in to rest his forehead against AJ’s. They sit like that for a long time, not saying anything at all.

* * *

When the first round of promotion ends, Brian isn’t sure he’s any closer to finding the closure he was looking for. In some ways, he feels closer to AJ than he did when they were together. It feels strange to be without AJ after their almost constant togetherness, but Brian knows he needs the alone time to work things out in his head. In the beginning of September, he and Leighanne celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary and when he flies out again, Brian has Leighanne and Baylee with him. He’s calmer, steadier and over the next few days he performs several solo shows. After each one, Leighanne is waiting for him, their son tucked safely in his bed and Brian’s heart lightens.

Over the next several weeks, Brian finishes up his commitments for his Welcome Home tour while the other three Boys manage to fit work and playtime into their schedules. It’s hectic and crazy and everything that the weeks before an album launch should be. Brian gets phone calls and emails from AJ almost daily and it feels good not to have lost the closeness that they’d found. AJ’s been working on his own solo album and he’ll sing a few verses to Brian over the phone or email him a snippet of something he’s been working on. He’s back working with JC and the name starts cropping up more and more in AJ’s phone calls.

* * *

All four Boys get together for the last month or so before the album drops. There’s an almost constant list of interviews to be done and radio shows to appear on and toward the end, they fly overseas to do a round of promotion there too. It’s a constant flurry of activity so Brian feels that he can be forgiven for not noticing AJ’s mood as the days fly by. AJ’s nursing a cold that leaves his voice weak and hoarse and yet there’s an almost constant smile on his face. He spends so much time on the phone that Nick takes to calling him ‘Howie Jr.’. AJ just smiles and disappears to make another call.

Oddly enough, it’s Nick that solves the AJ mystery. They’re in London, getting ready for a fan event sponsored by Sony. Nick’s talking to Howie when AJ arrives, cup of tea warming his hands. He’s obviously tired, still sick, but there’s a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Nick stops mid-sentence and studies AJ.

“You’re having sex!”

AJ raises a brow. “No, I’m drinking tea.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Duh. I don’t mean right this second, but you’ve had it.”

AJ sighs theatrically. “You caught me. I’m not a virgin anymore.”

“Why would you think that?” Howie asks, honestly curious.

“He’s got that look.”

“AJ has an after sex look?” Brian’s actually a little worried about that.

“You’ve never noticed?” Nick gets up and walks over to AJ. “It’s always obvious. The look in his eyes, the smirk on his mouth, the...” Nick reaches out and tugs the collar of AJ’s shirt. “Very obvious hickey on his neck.”

AJ swats Nick’s hand away. “How the hell did you even notice that? You’re not wearing your glasses.”

Nick snorts. “Dude, please. Had to become an expert so I’d know how to hide them from Kevin.” He throws an arm across AJ’s shoulder. “So come on, spill. I thought you were too old to pick up groupies.”

“I am. It’s not… I wasn’t having sex, I just…”

To Brian’s surprise, a blush stains AJ’s cheeks. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen AJ become embarrassed or flustered when talking about sex. Nick must realize it too because his eyes widen in surprise.

“Mystery phone call person. You’ve got a girlfriend!”

“I do not,” AJ protests.

“A boyfriend?”

“No. Well, sorta. Maybe. He’s a… JC…”

Howie smiles. “He’s a JC, huh? I’ve heard about those.”

AJ scowls. “Funny, Howard, very funny.” He sighs. “Look, it’s not anything serious. JC and I have just been hanging out. We like working together and, well, we sorta started spending time together.”

Nick laughs and pulls AJ into a hug. “Good for you, man.”

AJ rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he returns Nick’s hug. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Brian watching them. When their eyes meet, Brian smiles and AJ can feel the knot in his stomach unraveling. He closes his eyes and hugs Nick so tightly that Nick actually squeaks.

* * *

They’re at sound check for their last appearance in Japan before flying home for the album’s release. Baylee’s running around and playing pranks on Howie with Nick’s help. AJ’s sitting on the edge of the stage and watching them, smiling at Baylee’s delighted laughter. He glances over when Brian sits down next to him.

“We haven’t had a chance to talk lately,” Brian says.

“No, I guess not. Been too crazy.”

“It’s going to get crazier.”

AJ nods, absentmindedly picks at the label on his water bottle. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about JC. It’s just… there wasn’t anything to tell, yet, and I didn’t really know what to say.”

“It’s okay, AJ.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No.” Brian glances toward Baylee and then back to AJ. “Look, I’m sorry that I screwed everything up. Sharing a bus like that… I wanted to be able to connect with you again. I’ve missed you, missed being close the way we were, but I think I handled everything badly.” He runs a hand through his hair. “We can’t go back, AJ.”

“I know. This wasn’t about that. It was about…” He stops, trying to find the right words. “We’ve been friends since we broke up, but it hasn’t been the same. We haven’t been close. Not in the ways that really matter. Spending that time on the bus with you? I got to know you again. I missed that.”

AJ sets the bottle of water aside and faces Brian. “There’s a part of me that’s always going to love you. How could I not? You’re the first man I’ve ever really truly been in love with. But I have to let you go. I can do that now.”

Brian swallows hard. “I needed that too. We never really ended things before. We just… stopped.” He smiles softly at AJ. “Thanks for giving me these last few weeks.”

AJ smiles back. “You’re welcome.”

They sit together quietly, watching the commotion onstage. After awhile, Brian gently bumps AJ’s shoulder with his.

“So, tell me about JC.”

* * *

The album release party is in full swing and Brian is surprised to find himself actually enjoying it. They’ve worked hard to get to this point and they’ve loved every minute of it. A passing waiter catches Brian’s eye and he takes a fresh drink. He can see Nick and Howie in the corner, chatting with a small group of record executives and it makes him smile. He and AJ weren’t the only ones that had benefitted from spending one on one time together.

He scans the room idly, pleased at the turnout. He knows that alot of the people there are just there for the publicity, just want to get their name in the papers, but most of the partygoers are friends and people who have been instrumental in getting Unbreakable put together and they deserve this moment of thanks.

Familiar laughter has him turning around to look out at the patio. AJ’s head is thrown back, deep belly laugh making Brian smile with him. JC’s standing next to AJ, mouth close to AJ’s ear. His hand is on AJ’s hip, comfortable and familiar and Brian feels a sharp pang. This is what he’s been wanting for AJ, but it hurts, just a little, to see it. He ducks his head and closes his eyes, lets himself have that one small moment before he shakes it off and walks over to Nick and Howie. When Howie sees him, he smiles.

“Hey, Brian. I wondered where you’d disappeared to.”

“Just wandering.”

He looks up to see AJ and JC entering the room. Howie follows his gaze, watches as AJ notices them and waves. AJ leans over to say something to JC and JC nods. They make their way across the room, JC’s hand resting lightly on the small of AJ’s back. Howie looks at Brian.

“I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Brian smiles. “Yeah, we did.”

“Are you okay?”

Brian looks at AJ, at the smile lighting AJ’s face.

“Absolutely.”


End file.
